Wow. Has it really been seven days since my last post? Seems much longer.
Anyway, today I am going to focus all of my considerable energy on ONE single solitary question, which comes from young filmmaker, Elliot (or perhaps Elliott), who asks:
Dear Vordak the Epically Amazing and Awesome,
This 4-year-old girl broke my dad’s phone when we were trying to make a horror movie. At first my dad thought it wasn’t her fault but we got a video of it. It turned out it was her fault. What should I do?
Using my vast powers of incomprehensibility, along with the link that Elliot (or Elliott) provided, I have tracked down the horror movie in question. You can view it below:
Let’s review the key moments in the video:
At the :48 mark, Elliot clearly advises the viewer not to “panic until the horror starts“, which is great advice. Unfortunately for Elliot, the horror does indeed start a mere 12 seconds later when, at 1:00, a clearly demented creature launches her terrifying attack upon Elliot’s recording equipment. Is she a zombie? A vampire? A robot? Under the mind-control powers of some sinister puppet master? All we know for sure is she has one sole purpose in life -- to destroy Elliot’s dad’s cell phone.
After regrouping, Elliot displays tremendous courage by continuing onward with his filming. At 1:23, shortly after we are introduced to “little kid” (played with great zeal by 43-year-old character actor William Swanson), a second, horrifying attack occurs. And then, at 2:08, a final, destructive ambush causes irreparable damage to the cell phone.
So, Elliot, what should you do at this point? Well, I sure wouldn’t listen to your lackey who, at the 2:40 mark, advises that you “don’t try to hide it. Gotta say we were walking around the neighborhood and these two girls hit the phone on the sidewalk. Okay?” I mean, do you really want to admit that two little female bullies bested the two of you and managed to destroy your dad’s cell phone? Who would believe that?
Personally, I would hide the phone at the bottom of my underwear drawer and say that I saw a three-headed space alien beam into the kitchen and swipe it. End of story.
And one other thing, Elliot -- you need to work on your Evil Laugh. What I witnessed at the 1:48 mark simply isn’t going to cut it. And that goes for the rest of you out there, as well. Remember -- the Evil Laugh makes the villain.
So there you have it, folks. More brilliant advice that doofuses such as yourselves certainly don’t deserve. And Elliot, I do agree with you on one thing (2:33) -- “Four-year-olds are such losers.”
See you next week.