GREAT GASSY GOBLINS!

Vordak — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 17:23:45 +0000

It appears that all of my brilliant posts from the past 2 months have mysteriously disappeared! I don’t know who is responsible for this travesty but, rest assured – I am looking into it!

WEEK 7 – Moviemaking Mayhem

Vordak — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 22:45:06 +0000

Wow. Has it really been seven days since my last post? Seems much longer.

Anyway, today I am going to focus all of my considerable energy on ONE single solitary question, which comes from young filmmaker, Elliot (or perhaps Elliott), who asks:

Dear Vordak the Epically Amazing and Awesome,

This 4-year-old girl broke my dad’s phone when we were trying to make a horror movie. At first my dad thought it wasn’t her fault but we got a video of it. It turned out it was her fault. What should I do?

Using my vast powers of incomprehensibility, along with the link that Elliot (or Elliott) provided, I have tracked down the horror movie in question. You can view it below:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=VVXr-t1y0DQ

Let’s review the key moments in the video:

At the :48 mark, Elliot clearly advises the viewer not to “panic until the horror starts“, which is great advice. Unfortunately for Elliot, the horror does indeed start a mere 12 seconds later when, at 1:00, a clearly demented creature launches her terrifying attack upon Elliot’s recording equipment. Is she a zombie? A vampire? A robot? Under the mind-control powers of some sinister puppet master? All we know for sure is she has one sole purpose in life -- to destroy Elliot’s dad’s cell phone.

After regrouping, Elliot displays tremendous courage by continuing onward with his filming. At 1:23, shortly after we are introduced to “little kid” (played with great zeal by 43-year-old character actor William Swanson), a second, horrifying attack occurs. And then, at 2:08, a final, destructive ambush causes irreparable damage to the cell phone.

So, Elliot, what should you do at this point? Well, I sure wouldn’t listen to your lackey who, at the 2:40 mark, advises that you “don’t try to hide it. Gotta say we were walking around the neighborhood and these two girls hit the phone on the sidewalk. Okay?” I mean, do you really want to admit that two little female bullies bested the two of you and managed to destroy your dad’s cell phone? Who would believe that?

Personally, I would hide the phone at the bottom of my underwear drawer and say that I saw a three-headed space alien beam into the kitchen and swipe it. End of story.

And one other thing, Elliot -- you need to work on your Evil Laugh. What I witnessed at the 1:48 mark simply isn’t going to cut it. And that goes for the rest of you out there, as well. Remember -- the Evil Laugh makes the villain.

So there you have it, folks. More brilliant advice that doofuses such as yourselves certainly don’t deserve. And Elliot, I do agree with you on one thing (2:33) -- “Four-year-olds are such losers.”

See you next week.

WEEK 6 – Phabulously Phantabulous Photos

Vordak — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 22:52:21 +0000

Today’s lone question comes from Vordak, whose age is a secret, as is the location of his lair. Vordak asks:

Dear Vordak,

Since you’re under the weather today, do you think it might be a good idea to simply post a few pictures from your annual trip to the Supervillain / Superhero conference in downtown Gothtropolis?

Yes, I think that would be *cough* an excellent idea. And I should add that, as far as questioners go, you appear to be quite brilliant and, I’m guessing, extremely handsome as well.

The smile is forced and the cowl hides his tears - I just defeated the Caped Crusader in a pushup contest!

A little candy can convert even the most staunch hero to Villaindom! MUAHAHAHAHA!!!

So, I challenge Reverse Flash to a race: "On your mark......get set.....HEY!, isn't that the Black Widow to your left?"

WINNER!

Aww, a little Joy-Removal Powder mixed in with the formula never hurt anybody...

Seriously? This is all Batman has to deal with?

"Okay, okay - I take back what I said! The sideburns look GREAT!"

IMPORTANT SUPERVILLAIN TIP: Always have a henchman test your new face wrinkle cream before using it on yourself.

I TOLD you they were evil!

Hey, when She-Hulk asks if green makes her butt look big, what am I SUPPOSED to say?!

Woopsie...I guess ol' Vordak shouldn't have had that chili cheese burrito for lunch...

Well, there you have it in a nutshell. And, yes, I realize the photos are a bit blurry. The henchman responsible is currently floating on a very tiny air mattress in an extremely large piranha tank.

See you next week.

Or not.

I really don’t care.

HOW TO ASK VORDAK: Simply email your question to Vordak(at)Vordak.com with the subject heading “Question for the Magnificent Vordak.” Remember to include your first name, age and home state so you can receive the full credit and glory you deserve should your question be chosen.

WEEK 5 – Magnificent Moods and Muskrats

Vordak — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 22:52:55 +0000

Ah, what a spectaculously splendificent afternoon! I’m in a marvelously magnificent mood, so let’s jump right in and take a looksie at today’s first question, which is asked by Jacob, age 12, from New York:

Dear Vordak,

Have you ever actually captured Commander Virtue?

Well, Jacob, if you had bothered to read my first book you would know that I have captured the cretinous Commander many times and placed him in my Diabolically Clever Yet Extremely Slow-Acting Death Traps. Unfortunately, he has always managed to escape, usually by lying about having to go to the bathroom.

Our next question, oddly enough, comes from Jacob’s sister, Trina, who asks:

Hey Vordak,

I think your stupid. lol.

You think my stupid what? At least I know that the proper contraction for “you are” is you’re! I also know that a question should end with a question mark! Proper grammar is nothing to lol about! And you didn’t even say how old you are!

OK, that may have been a bit harsh, even for an Evil Genius as geniusly evil as I. Let’s just move along to the next question…and it had better be a good one! It comes from Stuart, age 14, from Ohio who asks:

Dear Vordak,

What song are you listening to right now on your iPod?

Oh. Uh, well, it…uh…it happens to be…err…this little tune…but I have no idea how it got in there! Commander Virtue must have hacked my Nano! Yeah, that’s it!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=KgCk3bnvO5Y

Well, congratulations. You’ve totally managed to dampen my mood with this week’s questions. I don’t even feel like punishing my henchmen anymore. This is the worst day ever. Let’s get this last question over with so I can sulk on over to my sinister sofa and take a nap. It comes from……my mom?!

Dearest Vordy,

Would some delicious home-baked cookies make my special boy feel better?

Would they?! And I’m not sharing any with my readers! This is the best day ever! MUAHAHAHAHA!!!

WEEK 4 – Heinous Headgear and Hornet Heroes

Vordak — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 22:53:22 +0000

I have blueberry croissants in the oven, so let’s get right down to business.

Our first question today comes from Kingsly, age 13, from California who asks:

Dear Vordak,

How and where did you get that handsomely hip helmet of heinousness?

Nice use of alliteration, Kingsly! Extremely villainous of you. I assume you are referring to my Helmet of Disconcertment. Quite intimidating, isn’t it? No other Supervillain alive has one like it. I forged it myself from a block of iron. It is extremely heavy and hot as a Zalcranian volcano during the summer, though. Hmmm…maybe that’s why no one else has one.

Our next question is from Sophia in New Mexico. Sophia must be embarrassed by her age, because she refused to include it with her question, which is:

Dear the greatest and best-looking Supervillain ever, (Well done!)

When dealing with superheroes that posses the abilities of insects, what should I do?

Get yourself a can of Off and a ginormous flyswatter.

Moving right along, Ally, age 9, from Georgia asks:

Dear Vordak,

Do you have any pictures you could share of cows with their heads stuck in things?

Do I?! Snapping photos of cranium-captured creatures happens to be a hobby of mine! That and baking homemade croissants. Enjoy!

GREAT GASSY GOBLINS! There goes the timer for my croissants! I’m afraid that’s all the brilliance I have time to cram into your teeny weeny little brain this week. Just as well, I suppose – we wouldn’t want your head to explode.

Well, Okay. One more picture. But if you skull starts to ache, stop looking!

WEEK 3 – Garbage Cans and Pathetic Apologies

Vordak — Wed, 14 Sep 2011 22:54:05 +0000

To celebrate the 3-week anniversary of ASK VORDAK, I decided to dress up a little bit. I expect you to do the same, so go ahead and put something fancy on. I’ll wait.

Really? That’s the best you can do? I can see the armpit stains on your shirt from here, for crying out loud! Oh, nevermind. Let’s just get started before I lose my temper.

Today’s first question comes from Gina, age 11, who refuses to reveal her home state. Gina asks:

Magnificently Handsome and Magestically Evil Vordak, (we’re off to an excellent start here!)

My mortal enemy comes to my neighborhood, and I forgot to charge my death ray, what do I do?

HIDE! And quickly! In your closet, under your bed, behind your garbage can – there are plenty of good places. NEVER face your arch-nemesis unless you have every advantage in the book. Otherwise it would be a fair fight, which I am strictly against.

If someone should come by and see you cowering crouching behind your garbage can, just tell them you’re examining the can for defects. Or use your Mind Boggling Matter Altering Ray to turn them into raspberry yogurt.

Moving on, our second question comes from Erik, age 9, who also REFUSES to give his state of residence. Perhaps he’s afraid I may decide to conquer and RULE it if I don’t find his question to my liking. And put him in charge of Statewide Restroom Cleaning. Well, let’s see:

Dear Mr. Incomprehensible,

Will you be doing any book signings for your latest book? If so where?

p.s. – I am sorry I failed to take over the world. Even with the instructions in your first book. It was kind of hard.

First off, Erik, you should be sorry! I spent a lot of time on those instructions, so I place the blame entirely on you. And of course it’s hard. If RULING THE WORLD was easy, I would have done it myself!

As for book signings – yes, I will be doing a few. However, with someone as popular and important and good-looking as myself, security becomes an issue. So the locations of my signings must remain a secret, even from the stores and schools I will be attending. If anyone were to find out where I was going to be and actually show up there, I would be forced to flee return to my hidden Evil Lair immediately! So keep this to yourself.

Today’s final question comes from Morlak, age 11, who hails from the fine state of North Virginia and asks:

Dear Vordak,

If I were to say you were magnificent beyond compare, would I not be correct?

YES, you would not be correct! Wait! I mean NO, you would not be correct! I mean…ACK! I’ve got to go. See you next week.

WEEK 2 – Handsomeness and Respect

Vordak — Wed, 07 Sep 2011 22:54:35 +0000

I have a dentist appointment in 20 minutes, so let’s get cracking!

Today’s first question comes from Cameron, age 12, from Ohio, who asks:

Vordak,

Who’s more handsome, you or Commander Virtue?

First off , Cameron, that should be DEAR Vordak. Or YOUR SPECTACULOUSNESS. Or something else that shows the enormous amount of respect you have for me.

As far as your question goes – Commander Virtue? Handsome? Did I stumble into a wormhole and fall out the other end into some universe where huge muscles and a square jaw and great hair equals handsomeness? I didn’t think so.

That’s like asking who’s more evil – me or a 3-week-old bunny.

Really, Paul – you should be ashamed of yourself for even asking such a thing.

Moving right along, question number dos (that’s Spanish for 2!) is from Kyle, age 14, from Florida, who asks:

Dear Vordak, (See, Cameron, how much more respectful that sounds?)

I have both of your books. Which one should I read first?

Well, Kyle, my gut reaction is to tell you to read the first one first since that’s usually the way these things are done. And I normally trust my gut because, being that it’s my gut, it’s certainly brilliant in its own right.

So here is what I suggest: read Book 1, then Book 2, then Book 1 again, followed immediately by Book 2. Then go back and read Book 1 three times in a row. Then read Book 2 out loud so your neighbors can hear you, followed by rereading Book 1 again – only this time backwards. Next, you should read both Books simultaneously, alternating every other word. Lastly, you should sing Book 2 to the tune of I’m A Map, from Dora the Explorer.

Repeat this every week for an entire year. If you have any time left over, feel free to do some homework.

And now on to our final question of the day, which comes from Vorlak, age 10, whereabouts unknown, who rather brilliantly asks:

Dearest Vordak, (Dearest? Wow, Cameron. Now you really look like a doofus.)

My question concerns your overall brilliance. I would say that, overall, you are brilliant. Do you agree?

Yes.

Ah – another week, another inconceivably incredible amount of nowledge knowledge dispensed by Yours Truly. Take the next 7 days to rest up and I’ll see you again next week.

WEEK 1 – Scaredy-Cats and Coupons of Doom

Vordak — Wed, 31 Aug 2011 22:55:10 +0000

Greetings, inferior ones! According to the Puppies of Villainy calender hanging on my refrigerator, today is Wednesday. And that means it’s time for the very first installment of ASK VORDAK!

I know – I’m excited, too!

So let’s get right to it. Our first question today is from Marla, age 10, from Texas who asks:

Dear Vordak,

I’m afraid of the dark. Can I still be a Supervillain?

Well of course you can, you scaredy-cat! There are a couple ways to get around this little problem:

WAY #1 – Gradually get used to the dark by spending a little time every day in your bedroom with the shade pulled down and the light turned off. Start with 5 minutes and each day add a few more minutes until, after two or three months, you feel completely comfortable being in the dark. This method is quite difficult and takes a lot of time, energy and discipline, so I would recommend WAY #2.

WAY #2 – Stop the earth’s rotation so wherever you live is always facing the sun.

Now DON’T write back next week asking me how to stop the earth’s rotation. You have to do some of this yourself, for Zordof’s sake!

Our second question comes from Jeffy, age 45, from Michigan who asks:

Dear Vordak,

The dude in line in front of me at Target is arguing with the cashier because she’s not accepting his expired coupon for $1.50 off his purchase – what should I do?

Well, Jeffy, this a real problem because every minute that guy spends arguing with the cashier is a minute you don’t get to spend arguing with the cashier! So, if you’re still standing in line (which would show tremendous doofusness on your part since you sent this question on Saturday) I would recommend taking the following action:

Take the cretin’s contemptible coupon.
Use your Shrink Ray to reduce him to a height of 3 inches, tie a bell around his neck, and throw him in the bin with the cat toys.
Use a Sharpie to change the expiration date on the coupon and use it yourself. If the cashier won’t accept it, argue with her for hours on end.

And our final question of the day comes from Vordag, age 12, from Whereabouts Unknown, who asks:

Dear Spectaculously Villainous Vordak,

Is it true that you are so incredibly, stupendously, magnificently, unbelievably, diabolically brilliant that you can respond to long, drawn out, rambling questions with simple three letter answers?

Yes!

And there you have it – an absolutely ginormous amount of valuable information set loose upon an unsuspecting internet. See you next Wednesday!

ASK VORDAK – Week 1: Scaredy-Cats and Coupons of Doom

Vordak — Wed, 31 Aug 2011 12:00:15 +0000

(Note: If you would like one of YOUR questions answered in a future edition of ASK VORDAK, simply email it to Vordak(at)Vordak(dot)com and it just may be selected! Can you even imagine how wonderful and important THAT would make you feel? Of course you can’t!)

Greetings, inferior ones! According to the Puppies of Villainy calender hanging on my refrigerator, today is Wednesday. And that means it’s time for the very first installment of ASK VORDAK!

I know – I’m excited, too!

So let’s get right to it. Our first question today is from Marla, age 10, from Texas who asks:

Dear Vordak,

I’m afraid of the dark. Can I still be a Supervillain?

Well of course you can, you scaredy-cat! There are a couple ways to get around this little problem:

WAY #2 – Stop the earth’s rotation so wherever you live is always facing the sun.

Now DON’T write back next week asking me how to stop the earth’s rotation. You have to do some of this yourself, for Zordof’s sake!

Our second question comes from Jeffy, age 45, from Michigan who asks:

Dear Vordak,

The dude in line in front of me at Target is arguing with the cashier because she’s not accepting his expired coupon for $1.50 off his purchase – what should I do?

Take the cretin’s contemptible coupon.
Use your Shrink Ray to reduce him to a height of 3 inches, tie a bell around his neck, and throw him in the bin with the cat toys.
Use a Sharpie to change the expiration date on the coupon and use it yourself. If the cashier won’t accept it, argue with her for hours on end.

And our final question of the day comes from Vordag, age 12, from Whereabouts Unknown, who asks:

Dear Spectaculously Villainous Vordak,

Yes!

And there you have it – an absolutely ginormous amount of valuable information set loose upon an unsuspecting internet. See you next Wednesday!

Fear Not! I Am Here to Help!

Vordak — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 19:12:06 +0000

Greetings, young persons. Vordak the Incomprehensible here. That’s right – THE Vordak the Incomprehensible, Supervillain supreme, with the brains, cunning and handsomeness of at least 3 1/2 ordinary Supervillains.

Now, I know what you’re thinking – “Surely you mean 5 1/2 ordinary Supervillains.”

And I know what else you’re thinking – “But how does that help me, a plain, ordinary, doofus?“

I’ll tell you how – I have decided to share a portion of my brains and cunning with you! That’s right – even though you don’t deserve it, I will answer questions from my legion of fans/minions and post my wisdom here every Wednesday. Not including THIS Wednesday. Because I’m real busy with other important Supervillainy stuff. And I’m tired. And I rented a Phineas and Ferb DVD.

So, do you feel you have a question worthy of my answering? It can be about me, or Supervillainy in general, or sports, or even the price of asparagus in Borneo. I know a lot about a lot of things.

HOW TO ASK VORDAK: Simply email your question to Vordak@Vordak.com with the subject heading “Question for the Magnificent Vordak.” Remember to include your first name, age and home state so you can receive the full credit and glory you deserve should your question be chosen.

Ah! I see I already have a question in my mailbox so let’s do a little practice run here and answer it. This first ever ASK VORDAK question comes from, uh, Nordak, age 11, from Whereabouts Unknown, who asks:

“Vordak, you are totally, completely, unbelievably awesome!“

GREAT GASSY GOBLINS! What a fabulous question! We’re off to a wonderful start!

MUAHAHAHAHA!!!